Supporter

Okay, guys. Most of you have met my mom. If you haven't met her in person, you've probably seen her commenting on Facebook and almost everyone agrees: she's pretty great!

On top of always loving my friends as if they are our family, taking care of everyone she meets, and making sure all is well with all her loved ones, she supports me NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 

Yesterday, I sent her a picture of some snacks I recently discovered and asked her to let me know if she found them anywhere. I told her "If you find these in a grocery store will you let me know? I've only seen them at holiday and it's frustrating lol" and this is the rest of the conversation. 

Mind you, I AM the type of person to casually  drop a "oh, by the way, I also recently fell in love" so she's not off-base by checking.... But she never misses a beat!

I am amazed that there are still people in the world that don't care about their children's feelings enough to say "Well then f*ck the rest of societal norms, I love my child NO MATTER WHAT" because there is already so much bad in the world, kids need only the best from the people at home. 

My mom often says "I wish I could've done better at this" or "I tried my best at that" and points out the mistakes she made along the way but it means nothing! I've always known that if I need something, my mom will be there at a moments notice and she will always have my back. She has supported me and my decisions, without hesitation, for almost 28 years! (I say almost because I'm not quite 28 and she definitely questioned - and was unhappy with - my decision to hang out in utero for an extra 4 weeks! Sorry about that, ma...)

Be the type of person the next generation writes blog posts about!!

More graffiti later,

~A

PS: Iluwamh, Mother!!

Fragile

Look around you and notice how many people are near. Not right this moment, but throughout the day as you go on with your life, notice them. They are fragile; each and every one of them. Your presence or absence, words or silence, positive energy or negativity - all make a difference at any given time. Be the good in the world, because there is already too much bad. 

I wrote this, thinking about the inner spirit that stays dormant in individual people. How breakable some are, how strong others may be.

Notice the people around you, and don't fail to acknowledge their spirit. 

More graffiti later,

~ A

Deep in my soul, there lies the unbroken spirit of a girl who is still a hopeless romantic. 

I keep her thoughts to myself because the world is not particularly kind to girls like her. 

On occasion, little cars from her train of thought will derail and come out during conversation; those are moments in which we feel truly vulnerable. 

Often, I wish I could set her free but that would be condemning her to pain and loneliness. A life void of love is the most miserable kind of living one can do. 

She is safe where she lay; cloaked in a life surrounded by people who give love freely, inside a soul with the same seeking passion as that of her own. 

She lives a life of veiled happiness, for she creates her own love and destiny is in her control. 

10:42

I've said countless times before that there are moments in life which can clearly define a "before" and "after" state of living. A moment so profound that it alters the course of your future and your perspective of your own past reality.

May 13, 2015 at 10:42am is one of those moments for me. I remember exactly what  my life was like before that moment, in that moment, and since that moment. Instantly, the world around me came to a screeching halt and my life's train derailed from its tracks. When an integral part of your everyday life disappears before your very eyes, it is the most abrupt thing a person can experience. When someone you love becomes nothing more than a memory, you can only react.

Why that moment? Because that moment is when I became aware of the reality in which I would soon be forced to exist. The beginning of a 17-minute phone call. A phone call I had been hoping never to receive, but also in the back of my mind been waiting for. Hearing the words "I'm here with the body of Christian Everett and I have been given specific instructions to contact you with some detailed information" stopped me like a stone. 
Chris was gone, and this time it was forever. There was nothing I could do to intervene. 
This moment in time happens to be exactly 12 hours (to the minute) since I spoke to Chris for the last time. And it happens to be exactly 3 days later (to the specific minute, again) when I arrived to retrieve his belongings, his cremated remains, and the letter he had left for me. This phone call is when I knew that these other moments would forever hold significance.

I've been heartbroken before - more times than I care to admit - by people I loved who ended up being a disappointment, by men I gave my heart to who walked away without a proper goodbye, and by the universe choosing to toss up a roadblock just when things feel like they're finally coming together. But no drifting apart or breaking up compares to the same kind of heartbroken pain and no amount of previous grief can prepare you for the world to turn on end simply by answering a phone call. 

Nothing can prepare a person for losing someone because they chose death over life. Because their struggles were too much for them to handle; because they could no longer find the energy to fight, simply to survive another day - no matter how much you loved them. 
Love can not heal broken people.  
A little louder for those of you in the back: LOVE can NOT heal BROKEN people. 
You can love them with everything you have, in every moment of every day until the end of time, and they will still be broken until they are ready to be healed.
It took me 2 years to realize that this was true and there was nothing logical for which I should feel guilt. No matter how many people said the same words, I needed to accept it for myself, in my own time: there was nothing I could have done to alter the outcome of the events from that night.
It took 2 years, a handful of loving friends, countless tear-filled nights, endless hours of soul-searching, and more love lost for it to FINALLY sink in: You can not save everyone; you can only love them. 
You can (and should) love them and support them, but you can not heal and save them. 
And that is no one's fault. 

More graffiti later,
~ A

Gone

Almost everyone who knows me knows the story of how Chris came into my life, and how he left it. 
For the last 2 years, I've wished I could have just one more conversation with him, just so things could be finished properly. I'm done wishing. 
After 2 years of questioning why and trying to pinpoint a reason, I've finally found one. 
I still believe that everything happens the way it's intended to. That there is some cosmic energy lining up the paths that are supposed to cross and creating obstacles to block the ones that aren't. 
After 2 years, I've finally let go of the "what if's" and started living my life for the "why not's." Just as Chris intended. 
Tell people how you feel because that opportunity may vanish after a moment, but the regret of your own silence could haunt you more than you possibly imagine. 
People come, and people go. Remember to let them. 
~ A


He promised her they would do it together. And then he left.
He told her they could weather the storm hand in hand. And then he left.
He swore to her there would be strength in their partnership. And then he left.
He said there would be good days along with the bad ones and assured her that as long as they had each other, they would make each day their own. And then he left.
He made a commitment to their recovery. And then he left.
He listed the benefits of changing bad habits into healthy ones, convincing her the changes would be worth it. And then he left.
He helped her find a path. And then he left her to pave it for herself.
So she did.

Desires

A little bit of creative writing for you!
Really, it's just punctuated graffiti. 
~ A


Once in a while, she catches herself lingering a little too long for what she tries to pass off as a "glance". 
Occasionally she finds herself wandering through the open fields of daydreams where their futures are sunflowers in full bloom; soaking in sunshine together, loving and beautiful. 
Sometimes, she gets stuck entertaining suggestions that taking action could inspire a change and things could realign and become a path to brightness and happiness with life.
Constantly, her heart and brain are at war with each other. Her feelings - too intense to ignore - are contrasted by the fear of rejection, and the agony of realizing that some things aren't meant to be. Perhaps they never were.
Ultimately, she realizes she's spending time planning for things that won't happen. She resigns to an unending span of days ahead, hoping in each hour for a strong longer-than-usual hug, a sweet kiss on the cheek, the gentle brush of his hand upon hers; the short glimpses of intimacy so many take for granted. She thrives powerfully on the tiny encounters in which he is solely hers; she desperately clutches them, willing them to sustain her until the next moment comes along.  
She loves him, and he her. The remainder, a difference between familial love and the love of a soul. 

Honesty

Anyone who knows me knows that I have certain expectations. Not high standards, by any means, just a set of expectations. Most of them go along the lines of "treat others the way you would choose to be treated" golden rule. I say "most" because I am realistic and have lowered my expectations because of my past unfortunate experiences.

Yes, it really is that simple.

I'm not expecting perfect actions all the time. Not even on a regular basis. I expect you to mess up. And when you do mess up, just be honest about it. Too simple to explain to some people, I guess.

Lately, I've had people (friends, acquaintances, even strangers) approach me to ask me a personal question of some kind. All of these approaches have gone something like this:

Them: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Me: Sure?

Then: Are you going to be honest?

Me: *blank stare*

I've adopted a canned response to this particular type of inquiry: Yes, I will be honest. I don't live my life in a way that requires me to lie or hide things from people. If it's too personal of a question, I'll tell you I'm not comfortable answering, but otherwise my answer will be the 100% truth.

Take this as you will. Comment as you wish.
After all, it's just punctuated graffiti.
~A

Respectful Friends.

New people take me by surprise. Often because I didn't realize that people would become so comfortable with me that they treat me like we've known each other forever. But also because I'm not used to friendships that aren't the same as the ones I've had since high school...

Talking about being sober often surprises people. Especially when I just met a group of new people at a bar. And bought a round of shots for them. I do have to say, the reaction to that particular moment was quite entertaining!

Last weekend, after the round of shots, I had a very fun Friday night with some of those newer friends. Ended up at a bonfire at someone's house and one of the people I had gone with actually turned and asked me this: If I have a few more beers, are you cool to drive back home?
Something about it was stuck in my mind and I just realized what it is. He knew I was sober, and that I would be staying that way. But he didn't take it for granted and assume I'd be fine driving his car back (though he did ensure I knew how important that car is to him) and still asked if I was cool sober cabbing him home.
I have friends I've known for way longer than I've known this guy and they don't want me around when they're drinking because it's "awkward" (another rant for another post) but they still assume I'm available to pick their drunken selves up from the bar whenever they are in need.

I guess I'm not yet used to this new personality trait in a friend. I think it's called "respect" and I kinda like it. I might need to keep this one around...

More graffiti soon,
~A